Most people who manipulate
others don’t see it as destructive. They tell themselves that what they
want or need is so important that the ends justify the means.
For example, Christine
believed that all her adult children should come to her home to
celebrate Christmas together. She said, “We don’t see each other often
and spending one holiday together isn’t asking for too much.”
There isn’t anything
wrong with what Christine wanted except when one of her children said
that he wasn’t coming home last year, Christine started crying. She told
him how selfish he was and how much he was hurting her by his uncaring
attitude.
She hoped that by telling
her son her honest feelings, he would change his mind and come home.
Christine was playing on his sympathies with an added dose of the guilt
card in order to get her son to do what she wanted. That’s called
manipulation.
When we regularly manipulate someone and refuse to graciously accept their “no”, the relationship deteriorates.
Even if Christine got all
of her children to comply in coming home for Christmas each year, when
they do it out of guilt with the underlying feeling of resentment, is
that going to give her the family closeness she craves? No way.
All healthy relationships
require the freedom to say no to the other without fear or pressure.
When freedom is absent, or you don’t allow someone to say no to you, or
have their own opinion, without you making them feel guilty, pressured,
afraid, or stupid, then you won’t have a healthy relationship with that
person.
Part of good emotional,
mental and spiritual health is your ability to tolerate your own pain
and disappointment when someone doesn’t do what you want. No one always
gets what they want all the time, even if what they want is good.
Recently someone e-mailed
me a question and asked,“My wife says I’m controlling. She says I never
allow her to have her own opinion.I disagree. I just think I’m
passionate and assertive and she avoids conflict. Am I controlling and
manipulative like she says? I don’t see it?”
I encouraged him to invite
honest feedback from those who know him well. Ask work colleagues,
family members, children, and other friends how they experience him and
to encourage them to tell the truth without fear of retaliation. Most of
them said he was intimidating and controlling. John was flabbergasted.
He had no idea. Now what?
Once you see you have this
tendency to push for your own way, your own agenda and manipulate
others to comply, if you want to stop doing it, you must humble yourself
and confess this problem. Confess this sin to God, repent of
manipulating people’s emotions just to get your own way. Ask him to help
you be aware and be willing to not demand your way all the time.
Next, ask people closest to you to give you direct feedback when they feel you are being manipulative toward them.
Old habits die hard.
Even when we want to
change, we don’t always recognize what we are doing until it’s already
done. When you invite people to give you feedback, you are asking people
to stop you right in the midst of your manipulative tactics which shows
them that you are serious about changing them.
Next comes the hardest
part. When they give you their feedback, you must stop doing what you
are doing. You can’t keep pushing, bullying, arguing, or guilt
tripping. Thank them for their feedback and stop and reflect on your
actions. Ask God to help you see what you’re doing as well as for help
to handle the disappointment of not getting what you want.
To stop destructive
patterns you can’t do it alone. We must have other people who can
regularly speak into our lives because the Bible tells us we all have a
tendency to lie to ourselves (Hebrews 3:13, Jeremiah 17:9).
If you practice these four steps:
See (become aware)
Confess to God and to people
Ask for Feedback
Stop when you are engaging in the pattern of manipulation.
Your friends and family
will know you mean business. They will see you sincerely want to change
this destructive pattern. Change doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.
Just because you see something needs to change, the actual changing
takes time, practice and persistence.
But I promise, if you
practice these steps, you can stop being a manipulator and learn to be
better friend, spouse, colleague, and parent.
